Lancaster Independent Press
RSS icon Home icon

  • *DUDES, IT’S NOT COOL!

    Posted on February 6th, 2010 Becky 94 comments

    ** BREAKING NEWS **

     

        New Era editor Ernie Schreiber is apparently the only person in the LNP newsroom and has just posted this breaking story (click here):

        A massive snowstorm dumped 18 to 20 inches on Lancaster overnight, and wind gusts of up to 15 mph whipped drifts to six feet and higher.

        Do tell!  Who knew?  Thank you, Ernie!  Somebody watch him!  He’ll be pulling out his bottle any minute now!  Stay tuned to LIP News for updates on Ernie’s boozing!

     

    [Thanks to “Concerned” for answering my question.  I would hire this dude to write for me if I had any money!]

     

    TRANSCIPT OF ARRESTS!

     

    From Becky “I am just saying I would like to hear the four youngsters’ accounts.”
    ________________________________________________________

     

    I got a transcript from the CCTV in that area. The area they were skateboarding was a parking lot belonging to a nearby apartment complex. The tenants all have dogs and they don’t have grass to walk them in, so they just use the parking lot. There was dog poop in select areas of the parking lot. The skateboarders were playing leap frog with the dog poop when the detective interrupted them:

     

    Detective: HEY!
    Skateboarder 1: Dude (mellow stoned voice)
    Skateboarder 2: Dude (mellow stoned voice)
    Skateboarder 3: Dude? (confused voice)
    Skateboarder 4: DUDE! (pointing towards the cop to warn the others)
    Detective: (Dressed in a three piece suit, presenting badge of authority) You kids can’t skate here, you have to move along now.
    Skateboarder 1: Dude, that’s not cool
    Skateboarder 2: Aww Dude
    Skateboarder 3: Aw c’mon dude!?
    Skateboarder 4: (looking towards the sky) Wow man, that cloud looks like Garfield Dude.
    Detective: (Walking towards skateboarders) Will you just go…. (steps in dog poop)SON OF A!!!!!…. (kicks the dog poop off of his shoe. It lands on Skateboarder 1 and 2. It also hits the detective)
    Skateboarder 1: DUDE, WHAT THE PHUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU RUINED MY VANS.. MAN..
    Skateboarder 2: Dude, not cool… not cool at all.
    Skateboarder 3: BWWHAAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    Skateboarder 4: Dude… (pointing to a tree) look man, it’s freaking batman.

    (flys come in to feast on the poopie and swarms the detective and the two skateboarders)

    Detective: (arms flying wilding to swat away the flys) AAAHHHH!!!!! Help me!!!! Bot flies!!!!
    Skateboarder 1: DUUUUDDDDEEE!!!!!!! I’ll save you ocifer (swings skateboard to swat at flys BANG!!! hits the detective in the head) Oops dude.
    Skateboarder 2: DUDE! The flesh eating flies are eating him alive!!!! We have to save him. (Using his skateboard to swat more flies he hits the officer in the leg) GOT’EM!!! Die flies, Die!!
    Skateboarder 3: Dudes…. Dudes….. Dudes…. DUDES….. DDDUUUUUUDES…. He’s out man! We should call an ambulance or something.
    Skateboarder 4: Dude… (staring off into space) you ever wonder what it would be like to fly…. like flies, dude? It would be like wow man…. like TOTALLY awesome dudes. Just buzzin around and schit, then like, you get the munchies, and dude…. there’s a pile of poop… let’s munch dude…. Wow… flies, awesome dude.

    Uncategorized
     

    94 responses to “*DUDES, IT’S NOT COOL!”

    1. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 10:42

      And just Where is my Lancaster News Paper this morning? HUMMMMM I heard the mailmen are going out in this…. Dam I sure could read that paper this morning :( :( . Concerned I must say you summed that up very well…. LOL…. :) .

    2. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 10:59

      Hill, call Ernie! He’ll bring you your paper! :-)

    3. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 11:05

      IM telling ya I just may have to cancel my subscripition!!!!!!! What’s his number?????

    4. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 11:06

      OH were in a State of Emergency now…. so I guess no paper shucks… :( .

    5. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:20

      I’ve never seen this much snow! The kids and I had a blast this morning. Then came the shoveling [sigh], not so much fun.

    6. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:20

      I’m getting it for ya, Hill! Calm down. First shoveling report. Snow is very light!

    7. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:21

      Concerned! The snow is very light but there is a lot of it. Take numerous liquor breaks!

    8. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:23

      Hill - (717) 291-8750!

    9. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:23

      The worst part is by the road, the plow trucks pushed it onto the sidewalk. The snow is high, wet and very heavy there. I know they had no choice, but it still sucks.

    10. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:23

      Get him quick before he gets drunk!

    11. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:24

      I’d buy a snow blower if they weren’t so expensive.

    12. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:24

      Liquor, Concerned. Liquor!

    13. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:24

      Too late, I woke up with a gin and tonic… Getting my tolerance up for the Bowl.

    14. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:26

      I like your concern for health, Concerned. We certainly do need to get our tolerances up for the Bowl! Yippee!

    15. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:26

      Pansy! :-) That was for the snowblower comment, Concerned! I see it is up there a ways. How much are they?

    16. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:27

      My wife loves those flowers.

    17. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:30

      The cheapest is about 699 and the most expensive, cadillac of all snow blowers, is 999.

    18. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:32

      Wow! That is a lot! Don’t your kids shovel?

    19. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:33

      If I hear the word “historic” one more time on the TV, I am throwing my beer at it!

    20. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:33

      These damn weather people are nuts!

    21. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:34

      My oldest is helping, but I have to make a choice: Do I want to hear her whine or do I just want to shovel in peace?

    22. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:35

      Cut off her food supply!

    23. Concerned February 6th, 2010 at 11:36

      Okay [sigh], round two of shoveling.

    24. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:37

      Me, too. Back in 30!

    25. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 11:37

      Your having beer and eggs Becky???? :( . Im still on coffee think i need some Kahlua in it… no damd paper yet…. IM pissed!!!!!

    26. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:38

      I had steak and eggs! Haven’t cracked my first beer, yet. One more round of shoveling first…

    27. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 11:42

      Did Levi show up? Steak and eggs…. yum yummie….. Concerned when your done bring me a paper…. :) .

    28. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 11:54

      It was delicious! No word from Levi. :-( Sidewalk shoveled, for now! :-) That would be nice of concerned, Hill! Did you call Ernie?

    29. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 12:02

      He was drunk … … :( . Told me to go out and look under the 18 inches of snow that it was delivered…. I said your drunk and hung up….

    30. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 12:03

      LOL! I said someone should take his bottle away! ;-) :-)

    31. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 12:36

      Half of car shoveled! One more shoveling duty in a few minutes and then I am freaking done for the day!

      Concerned, how are you doing? Don’t overdo it, Concerned. :-)

    32. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:07

      coffee and kaluha,brand,cream de coco coco,here,2 of them now and a cigar.ummmmmm,love the snow….yeah right,need more kaluha that’s for sure….LOL

    33. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 13:10

      BREAKING NEWS-
      LNP just posted this story:

      Some subscribers surprised him, he added, by calling his department to say, “Do not let the carrier come today” out of concern for their carriers’ safety.

      I hope you feel bad, Hill! LOL! J/K You can read e-Editions for free!

      http://articles.lancasteronline.com/local/4/248416

    34. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:16

      LOL………..Hill

    35. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:19

      gosh I have a buzz.Thanks snow!

    36. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 13:20

      I guess you’ve never heard of sharing? And I thought you were a friend… :-( :-)

    37. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:20

      Well I still want my damn paper!~!!.

    38. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 13:21

      Call Ernie! I bet he really has a buzz by now!

    39. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 13:22

      (717) 291-8750

    40. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:23

      Shares w/ Becky…damit drink fast or your not getting any….I’m out of whipped cream now

    41. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:24

      Hubby says anytime….but your the bartender,cause I suc right now..lmao

    42. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 13:24

      Did you not know to stock up? How many days notice do you need? No whipped cream! Horrors! I am thinking of taking you off my friend’s list. :-( :-)

    43. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:25

      LMAO…….well you know who shared it w/ the dog and cats,darn kid.

    44. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 13:26

      Okay, last shoveling detail. I’ll be back in 30. Please everyone have your drinks ready! Thank you in advance!

    45. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 13:27

      Ill send him down to the coner to get more damn whipped cream for ya Becky..Happy now……..

    46. cinnamon February 6th, 2010 at 13:32

      I ‘m having a bottle of wine for lunch ! This crap is annoying the hell out of me and I need to get happy !

    47. Barb February 6th, 2010 at 13:44

      Hey Hill, we got our paper today, it was there at 6:30!!!!!!!

      Shoveled out one side of the car, went inside the garage to get something & the damn snow plow went by pushing it all into the side of the car!

    48. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 13:48

      Anonymous…. don’t you feel bad for the paper carriers today? I surely don’t Get my paper here ASAP ERNIE….. and where’s my drink at? I may have to defriend you too….:) .

    49. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 14:01

      Barb were still digging out maybe they put it in the paper box…. geeze I’ll have to look… Aren’t those plows just wonderful…:) .

    50. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 14:03

      Okay! I am done. There will be no more shoveling today! Barb, my street has not been plowed. Probably won’t be until Tuesday. Damn, I hate Philly. Now, I will begin to drink and eat heavily. Has anyone heard from Concerned? Hill, read the freaking paper on line and stop bitching! :-)

    51. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 14:10

      Hell time to open a bottle of wine… I can’t even get to the damd paper box…. im pissed..

    52. Barb February 6th, 2010 at 14:12

      Hill,
      What’s this “we’re” still digging out crap? You mean Mr. Hill is digging out!! LOL!

    53. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 14:15

      Hill has only moved away from her computer long enough to get a drink. Poor Mr. Hill! LOL! I’m having one for him! :-)

    54. ChemTrailAir February 6th, 2010 at 14:21

      I’m waiting for LP to break the story about Punxy Phil seeing his shadow. Oh wait … they’ll just copy the AP story.

    55. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 14:29

      HAHA Im on medication Becky I can’t use a shovel on it, says so on the bottle… The Dentist called me in some pain meds. and a anti biotic …. so Im not allowed out in the cold…haha take that.. :) .

    56. cinnamon February 6th, 2010 at 14:37

      Our mail boxes are buried so no paper for us today ! LOL

    57. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 14:39

      Well, I didn’t know it said it on the bottle, Hill! My apologies! LOL! :-)

    58. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 14:44

      OK woke up from my quick nap,much better……………..Oh gosh everyone wants something now,tie my boots where’s my gloves,damit cat you’ve been out 3 times now.Could you please find my damn paper??.

    59. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 14:45

      Sends hubby for more whipped cream………….making coffee,were having another round.giggles….

    60. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 14:47

      also says no alcohol ….. Yikes… so what do i do???? Gosh I think I’ll be ok just one bottle of wine to celebrate this lovely white mess… still trying to get to the paper box.. :( . Im not operating any machinery… (Like a shovel) just a camera…lol.. :) .

    61. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 14:48

      hill………love the ref cow on farmville….YW..

    62. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 14:57

      Ok made it to the paper box no FRICKEN paper… I’m calling that drunk Ernie… I’m done with them !!!! im thinking I may even ban myself from their trashback forums too…:) .

    63. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 15:16

      Becky…pay attention!.There are comments comming in.Your kinda slow today.LOL

    64. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 15:19

      Oh no Hill…no more trashback what will you do?.

    65. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 15:23

      Just got a DUI… haha on farmville…. was driving my tractor and darn i missed the fields and crashed into a big bull… lol… next thing the farmville cops came so Im now in farmville Jail…. who will bail me out?

    66. Barb February 6th, 2010 at 15:27

      Okay, all dug out till the wind blows it shut again. Just started a fresh pot of french vanilla coffee, will add some Kahlua and sit back now and relax! Anonymous, you got me started!

    67. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 15:33

      I was out doing my last bit of car cleaning! Give me a break! :-) I’m back now. Hill, that is hillarious. A DUI on your farm tractor! LOL! :-) :-) :-)

    68. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 15:38

      P.S. I’m not bailing you out! Does anyone want to bail out Hill?

    69. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 15:41

      At least send me cigarettes… They only have roll your own witout filters….. :) . Help me PLEEEEEZZZZZZZZ…

    70. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 15:43

      No way! I’ve been shoveling all day and you’ve been high on your medications! I will not help you! Anyone want to help her?

    71. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 15:49

      I’ll help ya Hill………..Bails Hill out of farmville jail.Hands her a cigar.

    72. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 15:50

      You are such a nice person. Did the hubby get more whipped cream at the corner? I’m ready for a powerful drink!

    73. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 15:53

      he did,Becky.here’s your drink….only 2 cause ya get pretty buzzed.Hill your flowers are dead on farmville,click on them ,then delete

    74. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 15:56

      I told the dog no more whipped cream,it’s for Becky and us!She looked at me ….I know she’s thinking,wait till you put that coffee down bytch.

    75. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 15:59

      Noooooooo! Not my whipped cream! Keep that sorry mutt under control. I’m going to keep going until the Super Bowl! No sleep for me! I bet Ernie has crashed by now! Not me! :-) :-)

    76. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 16:00

      wow thanks Ano. ya better watch out for them there farmville cops …. they are nasty… Not really I just had my way wit them and all is good now…. Thanks for the cigar and where’s my drinks… crying balling :( :( ..

    77. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 16:02

      LOL! Never put farmville cops up against Hill! :-)

    78. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 16:14

      What’s for dinner for the super bowl??…….chili and cornbread here

    79. cinnamon February 6th, 2010 at 16:19

      Ahh Thanks Hill for the sweet cherry wine ! It was very good with my crab dip and crackers !! We had no mail and no paper either ! Becky how much did you guys get ? I just talked to my Dad in Delaware and he said its still snowing !

    80. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 16:21

      Has a talk w/ the farmville cops,Lord knows I know most of them.Said hill was a good person and not to mess w/ her.They agreed,cause they don’t want any problems w/ me or I’ll have to go to the JP of farmville,prob know him too.

    81. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 16:29

      Cinn, I would say a foot and a half. Very light and easy to shovel today. Thank goodness I think I’m pretty much done.

    82. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 16:34

      Anon: you do know what Dr. Phil said, don’t you? “Get off Farmville. It’s not real!” :-)

    83. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 16:41

      Hill says im going out for a ride…. I’ll catch ya all later….. just had the driveway plowed,,,, we can get out… yippie do da day.. ano. water my darn flowers on farmville… :) .

    84. Anonymous February 6th, 2010 at 17:06

      I don’t care what DR Phil said…I wonder if he’s for real sometimes.

    85. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 17:34

      Gasp! I’m telling Dr. Phil! :-) :-)

    86. cinnamon February 6th, 2010 at 19:56

      Hill, my hubby said he wanted to go with you and we didn’t ask him !!! He wanted a white russian for real !!!!!!

    87. Misty February 6th, 2010 at 20:07

      One needs to be very careful in what terms are used against another. A good attorney could make a case for defamation of character when innuendo is not able to be substantiated.

      Ok — so you missed your paper… It did snow quite a lot. Most of the subscribers did receive their paper. You think that someone who a self-employed contractor with no health or disability coverage should risk life and limb for your timely delivery of the newspaper. Would you do that?

      Maybe next time you could express your frustration without making it into a personal vendetta against another person….as most reasonable people would do.

    88. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 20:31

      ???? Wake up and see the snow! Are you serious? Get a life! Call Ernie! (717) 291-8750! :-)

    89. for goodness sake February 6th, 2010 at 20:32

      Misty

      Obviously you don’t have a sense of humor. I am sure they were joking here!

    90. Becky February 6th, 2010 at 20:39

      My three hours of shoveling have me exhausted. I am heading to bed. I am so sorry. Who knew? Please check back tomorrow. Hey, at least I don’t have to shovel tomorrow - as all my neighbors do!!! :-) :-)

    91. Hill February 6th, 2010 at 20:40

      Geeze Misty… were only having some fun here… :)… Damd IT Where’s my paper….lol :) .

    92. cinnamon February 6th, 2010 at 21:33

      Misty, we are only joking !!!! We’re not defaming anybody. My goodness we’re all snowed in and just having a little fun ! :)

    93. Jim February 7th, 2010 at 03:07

      We got our paper late morning; that was fine. On the other hand, no mail! Ah, so much for the old ‘neither rain, nor snow..’, etc etc! :/

    94. Anonymous February 7th, 2010 at 17:24

      you need to do a story on Penndot. I saw them on the news the other night and everyone was rushing around like maniacs tryin to get trucks filled up with salt….but you know what they were doing right? They were going…”CRAP! NEWS! EVERYONE LOOK BUSY!!

Archives

Links

Categories

Meta

Powered by WordPress
Designed by My Mobiles